We deserve to be surrounded by great people who help us grow and lift us up. You must have heard the famous quote by Jim Rohn saying that “You are the average of the five people you spent the most time with”. Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Our busy lives don’t allow enough time for reflection, I find. It’s not easy to always become and stay aware of who we surround ourselves with. But it’s a fact that we are influenced - whether we like it or not - by those very close to us and those we interact daily with. And I think it’s important to talk about this, especially now in that global post-pandemic transformational change period.

Has the pandemic changed our friendships forever?

It has changed my life for sure! Covid-19 has proven the importance of friendships. I personally wouldn’t have made it so well through this intense time of disruption and uncertainty without my very close souls. A pandemic that changes the way I live and makes me stay home 90% of the time, challenges how I’m staying in touch with people. My human interactions are also about 90% virtual. WhatsApp, Teams, and Zoom keep the connection to the outer world. My colleagues are virtual, my BFFs are living in different countries, and my so-called London party friends - with whom I mainly went out to explore new bars, pubs, and restaurants in London, guess what? Correct, they are not part of my life anymore. The pandemic experience has not changed the strong riendships I have had for many years but it removed people I was interacting with on a more superficial level. And I want to write a bit more about this as it made me think so much about how I spend my time with people.

Why drawing a line?

It has been painful to ‘lose’ some of the people I actually called my friends. But when I looked closer at the relationships I had with them, I realised they were more consumed with themselves than with the ‘us’; they hurt me with some of their actions that crossed the line and were disrespectful; they were not there for me when I needed them the most. They ghosted in between and came back as if nothing were happening without any explanation of why they shut down the contact. They seemed selfish and also looked more confident from the outside than they were from the inside. Why was I still spending time with them? I drew a line now. It’s not something I loved to do but I have to admit it made me feel better. I see much clearer now what type of friend- and relationship I want in my life.

Did they inspire me? To be honest, they did not. And whilst I have been thinking for almost two years now about those past friendships, I realised that this is one important aspect I will look out for. So, the lesson learned is to surround myself with people who can lift me up and are inspiring, and communicate boundaries early on. Wouldn’t you want that, too? To do that, you will need to know what you are looking for in those human connections you want to make and keep.

3 things that I think will help to draw a line:

1. Know your self-worth and how you want to feel: that is a prerequisite for yourself. Know your human qualities and tell yourself what you deserve. This helps you in those conversations when communicating your boundaries and/or sharing how something made you feel (usually not so great), and it will help you say no, thanks.

2. You don’t need to be friends with everyone: becoming desperate to form new friendships is not a solution. It will take time to find the right ones for you. Think of it as a period, it’s not forever. I believe that this will help you to not invest in people you know would not make great friends. We don’t need to be friends with everyone. It’s okay to say no to a person who has nothing in common with you. If there is one red flag already, don’t wait to discover the others.

3. Talk about what you expect and follow-through: that doesn’t come naturally for most of us I assume but it’s very important to tell and show the other person what you expect, want and need. Again, that requires that you actually know what you want. So do some reflection, write it down. For example, I communicate early on that I’m not a huge texter on WhatsApp, I don’t like to get to know someone through texts. Instead, let’s have a call or meet in person. Or send a voice message.
   I also think that this includes sharing your life goals with someone. Involve that friend in your plans and aspirations.